I recently taught my child how to ice skate in just 30 simple steps. Yes, really! Just 30 simple steps! And today I’m going to share my secret, tried and tested method with you! So, if you would like to emulate my success this is what you need to do –
1. Find an ice rink. If possible take other family members to share in the joyous occasion. We took my mum.
2. Feel a bit bad when you can’t remember the size of your children’s feet when the assistant tries to fit them for their ice skates.
3. Hire some ice skating assistance ‘helpers’ that your children can cling on to for dear life while trying to push them around the ice.
4. Watch as your eldest endeavours to push his polar bear helper around, summoning memories of when Bambi tries to walk for the first time.
5. Watch as your youngest just stands there holding on to his penguin helper, looking a bit frustrated as he is not actually moving at all because it’s a bit too heavy for him to push.
6. Try to block out his repeated calls of “Mummy, Mummy, I need help!” hoping that he will soon get himself moving.
7. Feel your resolve waver and get up to help, ignoring your mum’s advice to ‘leave him to get on with it, he’ll soon get the hang of it’.
8. Having first checked with the rink staff that it’s ok, walk gingerly onto the ice in your inappropriate-for-the-job sandals in order to give your child a bit of a push around the ice while simultaneously holding him up as he continues to cling for dear life onto his penguin helper.
9. Find yourself now unable to leave him because you just know that as soon as you let go either his legs will collapse beneath him and he will fall in a heap on the rink or he will just stand there not moving again and will probably cry out of frustration.
10. Continue to ignore your mum’s repeated words of wisdom to leave him alone and let him work it out for himself.
11. Instead carry on pushing your youngest around while adopting a very ungraceful position with your feet stuck out at dangerously wide angles with your bottom protruding unattractively behind you while struggling to hold on to his waist in order to propel him around the ice.
12. Try to avoid your child’s ice skates that keep shooting backwards as he repeatedly loses his footing. Please ensure that you fail to see the potential danger to yourself.
13. Eventually, and inevitably, feel your child’s ice skate slide backwards and then painfully over your own foot.
14. Look down in amazement at the instantaneous and rapidly growing pool of blood that has appeared on the ice around your foot.
15. Ignore your oblivious child’s impatient calls for you to keep pushing while you call for your mum to come and help you.
16. Call for help again, in a rather fainter voice now, while your mum is preoccupied looking down at her iPad and muttering something about photos and insufficient lighting while not hearing you at all.
17. Stand in a continually growing pool of blood while vainly calling, “Mum, Mum, I’ve cut my foot!”
18. Eventually sit your child down on a nearby support on the ice and hobble over to the viewing area while still calling, “Mum, I’ve cut my foot” while your mum continues to look at her iPad, muttering about poor photo quality and not knowing how she can improve it while you leave a gruesome trail of blood in your wake.
19. Finally make it over to your mum and alert her to your plight as she gasps in horror and at last jumps swiftly into action.
20. Sit, on the brink of fainting and with your head swimming dizzily while the staff from the rink administer first aid and mop up the grisly trail of blood from rink and a newly formed puddle in the viewing area while vaguely aware of a little voice in the distance calling out, “Mummy! Mummy! Look at me!”
21. Very close to passing out now and feeling extremely clammy apply an icy towel to the back of your neck and keep your head down, continue to be aware of the increasingly desperate little voice calling out, “Mummy! Mummy! Look at me!”
22. Despite feeling very faint and dizzy make a concerted effort to lift your head to see what the little voice is so desperate for you to witness.
23. Gasp and wonder if you’re hallucinating from the blood loss when you see what looks like your youngest, ice skating around slowly but surely all on his own!
24. Look down to see your foot being bandaged up and watch as another member of staff hoses a sizeable mass of congealed blood right past you which then slides down the drain hole.
25. Look up again and see your youngest now whizzing around the rink on his own.
26. Look behind you at some newly arrived young skaters who, on seeing the remnants of blood on the ground, make noises of disgust and ask loudly, “Ewww! Is that your blood?”
27. Look back to see your youngest now actually running on the ice as if he had been born wearing ice skates, chasing after his brother and laughing loudly..
28. As the dizziness passes, try to fit your massively bandaged, and painfully stiffening foot back into your shoe while laughing along with your mum at the humour of the whole situation as your youngest comes skating gracefully over to you and skids gracefully to a halt with a professional sounding ‘whoosh’ at the edge of the rink.
29. Realise that your child is now a rather good, self taught ice skater and that your mum was right after all, you should have left him to work out skating on his own.
30. Eventually hobble off home as your children excitedly say, “That was so much fun! Can we come again? When can we come again? Can we come again? When can we come again?….”
Other methods are available.
You might choose to try those instead.